It’s been a pretty scary year for the global economy, marked by a crippling pandemic, mass protests, and a high-stakes US election. But what’s bad for investment portfolios is good for topical Halloween costume ideas.
This is our fifth annual rundown (1, 2, 3, 4) of costumes for worldly business professionals who want to show that they’re on top of the latest trends—whether at a backyard gathering, a virtual party, or while celebrating the holiday in festive isolation. Read on, if you dare.
Face mask: Make an outfit at home out of old t-shirts and pantyhose. Hang out with only 60% of the people at the party; spend most of it staring reproachfully at the other 40%.
PPP loan: Show up exactly on time to the party and eat all the candy so the little kids can’t have any. When people ask you about it, say there’s probably enough to go around.
K-shaped recovery: Couples costume! One of you dresses like Ritchie Rich, the other skips the festivities to stand in an unemployment line.
Jack Dorsey’s beard: Buy an Addams Family Cousin Itt Costume. Replace bowler hat with a beanie; talk about fasting to anyone who will listen.
Zoom: Makeup, styled hair, statement necklace, and a blazer, with sweatpants and slippers underneath. Keep inviting people to “breakout parties.”
Google: A fun group costume idea! Can include a robot, a mail carrier, a navigator, a librarian… hell, if you like anyone else’s costume at the party just add them to the crew. Try not to split up!
Amazon: Same as Google, but everyone carries a cardboard box.
Ant Group: Same as Amazon, but everyone carries a bag of money. (Alternatively, steal a costume from Yahoo, which turns out to be the most valuable costume in history.)
The S&P 500: Cover yourself in graph paper. Climb on top of successively higher objects, and periodically fall off. Stay close to Google and Amazon.
SPAC: Keep talking about the amazing friends you invited to the party who will show up very soon. When asked who exactly they are and why they’re so great, shrug.
Netflix: Wear a tiger suit and push around a wheelbarrow full of cash.
Quibi: Wear something really expensive. Burst into the party shouting, get ignored by everyone there, and wind up passed out in the bathroom all night. Everyone goes home and leaves you. When you wake up, your wallet is missing.
Tenet: Insist this year’s party be held in person, then keep saying you’ll show up in an hour. Arrive extremely late wearing a grey sweatsuit and sunglasses.
Mulan: A regular Mulan costume, but only speak to people who give you $30 first.
TikTok: Get the dance floor going and just when things are heating up, have someone in a Trump costume hustle you out of the room. Then come back. Then leave again. Then come back, but stay near the door just in case.
Oracle: Follow TikTok around.
Walmart: Follow Oracle around.
Retail worker: Khakis and a solid-colored shirt. Carry a sheet of plexiglass in front of you everywhere.
New York City: Dress as a ghost. Bring snacks and keep inviting people outside to eat them.
Yeast: Wear a beige bodysuit and a price tag. Chat up everyone at the party, but only stay for a few minutes. You have a lot of other parties to get to.
Instacart: Wear a green shirt and show up to the party with Yeast. Bring with you seven jars of peanut butter, two cases of bottled water, three pounds of ground beef, and one small bottle of CBD oil for dogs.
2020: Cancel the party.